Friday, February 13, 2009

Alana G Haters Part 2: Phoenix New Times Edition

Welcome to what will hopefully be an ongoing series, Alana G Haters. Anyone who knows me knows I loooove haters! Thanks for keeping me humble, guys!

In Part 1 we met a lovely lady named WifeMomBlogger who hated on a satirical post about my felonious voter fraud activities on election day. Girl, you had me LOLing, because I know your whole pro-McCain blog was just a big satire too! Go Obama!

In Part 2 we will meet some new Alana G Haters who have come out to hate-hate-hate because of my critical post about reporter Niki D'Andrea and the complete breakdown of journalistic integrity at the Phoenix New Times. Unfortunately, among the 15 or so blog posts and news articles that I've found on the subject, I have not yet come across a single one that has hated on me. So we'll have to settle for the hater commenters.

We'll start with a comment from the Alana G post reacting to a passage of mine:
"Jeff in Boston" says: 'As a female trying to earn my own credibility in the media world as an editor at' Self promote much? Jesus Christ, who the fuck cares? It's sports writing, sweetie. Get upset about real things.
Thanks for the comment, honeybunch. You're totally right, my mention of my place of employment was totally over-the-top self-whoring. My B!!

Now on to the comments on Niki D'Andrea's hilarious retraction blog post.
"Billy Shields" says: I've never seen such self-righteous claptrap. This Alana G (whoever she is) is nothing but a celebrity (you know what), and she acts all holier-than-thou about a mistake in New Times. The paper fucked up, admitted it immediately online and in a blog... What does this schoolmarm think the reporter is going to do? Commit suicide over an error in an f'n tattoo story about basketball players? Please, Alana G! This has nothing to do with the economic collapse or world peace. Give it up and go back to servicing celebs...
Billy, you're so funny, acting like you don't know who I am! As everyone knows, I'm a famous "celebrity (you know what)"... (if you don't know what a "you know what" is, you better look it up on Urban Dictionary). As for being "holier-than-thou," what can I say, you've got me there -- guilty as Swiss cheese! Now the "schoolmarm" comment had me stumped for a second, I had to run to my small-town school dictionary to look it up. Apparently it refers to a person who exhibits a strict adherence to arbitrary rules. Got me there again! I totally harp on arbitrary rules like "basic journalistic integrity." My friends always get so annoyed with me like when we're hanging out at the mall and I'm just like, "Jennifer, oh my gawwwd you totally didn't fact check that article AT ALL." As for your assertion that "this has nothing to do with economic collapse or world peace," well, I'd say that's up for debate, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt since the rest of your comment was so on point. I could bask in the hate of this comment for ages, but I gotta run and service some celebs!
"Tanya Teal" says: Gotcha! Don't you just live it when Internet dweebs this game. They all think they would never make a mistake. Listen to them all scream behind their phony names/handles. Even Alana G doesn't use her real name.This was a story about NBA players and their tattoos; the tattoo cap was an aside. It was a stupid error; Niki should've dug deeper before going with it, but this outrage from the 'revenge of the nerds' bunch is hard to stomach. These idiots are just mad that they don't have real jobs.
Tanya! Girl you just came out swinging with your opening: "Don't you just live it when Internet dweebs this game." Your use of jibberish cuts right to the heart of the matter, but only for those intelligent enough to decode the clever wording. Clearly I'm too dumb for that... touche! You go on to hate on my last name "G" -- damn that always hurts, because I've been teased about it ever since I was a little girl... "Alana, your family is so poor they couldn't even afford a real last name" or "Hey Alana, the alphabet police just called, they're charging you with robbery." As for the "revenge of the nerds" comment, I think you've cleverly lobbed one over my head again, because I totally love that movie... and as I remember, all the nerds got free porn, impressed the ladies with their lovemaking abilities, kicked the jocks' asses in the carnival, garnered the support of the cool black frat brothers, and in the end got a nice house to happily live together in. As for being mad that I don't have a real job, oh that's a zinger! I see what you were doing there, using sarcasm to make fun of me like 'Jeff in Boston' for being such a blatant self-promoter about my full-time job at Well done!
"terrytown" says: yeah, i'd check the ip addresses of these outraged commenters to see how many of them are alana g trying to drum up biz for her little inside edition-esque blog that nobody ever heard of before this.
You got me terrytown! I've been creating multiple identities to post comments on a New Times blog post. I guess I ought to also come clean about the multiple identities I maintain every day as authors of various blogs and news publications on the internet -- how do you think I got all those links to my little blog post in the first place?? (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12...) As for my blog being like Inside Edition, OMG that's like my favorite show, thanks so much for the compliment!
"Tom Terrifi" says: Well, Alana G., when you live in a glass house.... All anybody has to do to see what kind of ditz you are is read your pathetic web site. And by the way, some of us can read more than 800 words at a time. Ever heard of a book, dummy?
Oh man, Tom, you really terrifi me with these hater words! First of all, I feel so exposed knowing that everyone might have clicked over to see my pathetic website... I'm so embarrassed! And you're probably right that some people can read more than 800 words at a time. Stupid me, I totally gave up after reading the first 800 words of Niki D'Andrea's article because it was reading like a rambling high school paper and I didn't think it was physically possible to go on. But you've obviously got stronger reading faculties than I do. As for this "book" thing of which you speak, no, I had never heard of it, but I asked my friend Andrew about it and he said this one could make a cool gift for the New Times folks.


Anonymous said...

I want to hug and kiss you forever, sweet Alana.

And hey - a mention of my book instead of that other one would've been a much better joke.

T.A.N. said...

"What do you think you are with a blog whatever!!!"

oooh, that's kind of hot and hilarious. i might use that.

King Kong? really?

anyany, can't wait to seey our new forehead tatttt

T.A.N. said...

I also just noticed the emoticon. Isn't there some dissonance with the yelling/ranting in caps, weird i.e. non-grammar etc and then signing off with an unhappy emoticon.

like, emoticons are civilized right? they're sort of detached from the emotion. But WHO CARES JUST TATTS is very emotional.

this is fun.

Anonymous said...

"Who Cares Just Tatts" would be a great name for a blog.

Anonymous said...

I heart Alana 4ever&ever.

Step off my homegirl, biatches.

Nigeri-Negro said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nigeri-Negro said...

I can't believe you blew up Jennifer's spot like that...

Matt Watson said...

"What do you think you are with a blog whatever!!!"

I think that's a perfectly legitimate question. What do you think you are with a blog whatever?

(I'm so, so glad you took this story and ran with it -- someone needed to.)

LaTowna said...

I know Nigeri-Negro, I regularly don't fact check articles and Alana G totally calls me out on it during random kick its. So annoying! We were in the club the other night and I'm talking to this guy with a forehead tatt (one that said "attention ho!", obviously that's why I talked to him) and she just interrupts with her ranting about my not fact checking! Ugh, I hate that!

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